Friday, March 23, 2012

The Great "No-Poo" FAIL

I am on this crunchy granola kick.  I am making my own swiffer wet jet solution.  I am making my own dishwasher solution.  A co-worker told me about going "no poo".  No that doesn't mean you intentionally constipate yourself.  It means that you go without shampoo.  The theory being that whatever you put anywhere on your skin, which is an organ, gets absorbed into your body.  Therefore, if you can't eat the chemicals in shampoo why on earth would you put them on your body to be absorbed through the skin.

It made total sense to me.  I plotted.  I researched.  I read that it takes about a week for your body to balance out its oils when you stop stripping them off with shampoo so you will have greasy hair for most of that time.  I thought...hey SPRING BREAK!  I wasn't going anywhere, didn't have any big plans, seemed perfect.

I don't wash my hair but every two to three days anyway because of all the dermatitis issues on my scalp and how dry my hair is naturally.  So I got my two squeezey bottles, my baking soda, apple cider vinegar, measuring cup, measuring spoons and headed to the bathroom.

Step one: Mix up solution of baking soda and water  and another solution of vinegar and water.  Giggle thinking about head becoming a elementary school volcano project.

Step two:  Get in the shower.  Scrub baking soda solution onto scalp.  Curse self for not using WARM water to make the solution as the icicles trickle down to butt crack.

Step three: let it sit to the count of one hundred twenty mississippi because the timer is missing.

Step four: Rinse.  Then rinse with vinegar solution.  Begin thinking about the volcano again.

Step five: Wait.  Think about when you are going to dye eggs.  Think that you should buy some eggs soon so they are easier to peel.

Step six: Get out, dry off.

It all went so well.  I couldn't wait to feel my soft, shiny hair.  That's what all the websites promised.
I couldn't get a comb through it.  I waited until it was dry.  I brushed it until my arm was sore.
I waited a day.  I went to Zumba.  I sweated like a pig (well pigs don't sweat but you know what I mean).  I showered and used just water to wash my hair like I had read.
My hair was so dry and straw like that my bangs got stuck in the "Something about Mary" position and I gave up and clipped them back.
I took my nasty hair and went online.  There I discovered yogurt rinse.  Perfect for people with dry hair and dry scalp.  I read lots of rave reviews.
I waited until the kids went to bed.  Looked in the fridge and found my container of OIKOS.  Rationalized that driving to the store to buy some cheap yogurt would cost as much in gas as just using the greek yogurt.  Plopped some in a bowl and headed to my bathtub.  I wet my hair, slathered on the yogurt and set the timer for 15 min.  Filled the tub with bath salts and hot water.  Dug out my sugar scrub and went to work on my feet.  THEN remembered that I had let the kids fill the big tub earlier to let them "swim" since it was rainy outside.  Noticed that I was out of hot water.

Timer goes off.  I awkwardly perch on the side of the tub and try to pour water over my head and get out all the yogurt.  Hair still feels stiff and crunchy.  Rinse and rinse and rinse with the arctic's best.  Wrap it in a towel and wait.  A bit later I try to get a comb through (and I mean my big fat toothed curls comb).  Pull a muscle in my arm.

Gave up and went to bed smelling of smoothies.  Wake up the next morning and realize I must not have gotten out all the yogurt because my hair is CRUNCHY.  Sigh.  Pull the nastiness into a pony tail and get on the treadmill for a while.  Then I put my sweaty self in the shower and spend lots of time rinsing and rinsing and rinsing.  Still no shampoo.

An hour later my head itches.  I never realized how often I run my fingers through my hair until I couldn't do it because they became stuck.  My hair feels straw matted with dried poop.  I gave in.  I got out the shampoo and the conditioner.  I can comb my sweet smelling curls again!
Maybe when I finish this bottle I will pop for the organic stuff.  Maybe I will try again this summer.  Maybe I will just become ill from all the least I will look good

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