Questionable at Best (part 2)

Now on to the second part of my people judging...I mean people watching from the water parks.
This one involves swimsuits.  As a larger, chesty woman, I totally get the challenge of finding a swimsuit that sucks in, covers up, flatters, supports, and isn't ugly.  And I understand that you must love your body and be confident blah blah blah.  HOWEVER...I saw some people - men and women AND some children who need a friend to tell them "Sweetie....pick something else"

Here are some examples of swimsuit FAIL moments -

*To the teenage girl who had three really skinny friends....just because they had teeny bikinis on doesn't mean you should.  Sweetie, your tummy hung over the top of your bottoms....old man style.(and men....that doesn't mean its ok for you either)
*To the several women who had string bikinis - your back roll should not ever be hiding your string.
*To the insanely skinny girls in the really low slung two piece.  First, your hip bones shouldn't stick out further than your boobs and second....one word for you - Cheeseburger.
*To the really old stooped wrinkly woman who was about a size 16.  Black Bikini - really?
*To the woman with the tiny infant.  Honey, I know you want to be in your pre-baby clothes but your tummy still looks like a stretch mark covered deflated balloon.
*And finally to both the man with a solidly hair-covered back and bald head and to the man with long pointy moobs (man boobs).  Swim Shirt please!  I pay a lot of money for my vision to be corrected, you made me kind of sad about it.

Then there were a few violations of the basic rules of swimsuits - White...never a good idea unless you have thoroughly tested it in your bathtub first.  Those weird suits that have just the thin piece of fabric down the front making them a "one piece" not a good look on most people.  And if you have to constantly pull your top up or your bottoms out of your crack...you might be wearing the wrong size.

That is my public service announcement for today ;) Back to regular programming tomorrow.

Questionable at Best (part 1)

**Author's note - I originally posted this on FB....I couldn't open blogger from the hotel...who knows why....**

I have many tattooed friends.  Some of their tattoos are neat, some are questionable....but all of them have significance to the person who put them on their body permanently. I respect that.

Here in the waterpark capital of the world, I have had the pleasure (??) of judging random strangers' tats.  Let me share some of the more memorable....

Your tattoo might be a fail if....

....you have chosen "trust no one" across your NECK!

....from a distance your tattoo looks like a weird mole on the outside of your knee...but upon way closer inspection (like when you almost fell in my lap at the wave pool) it is some tribal symbol in black and the size of a half dollar.

....you have in large letters the names and birthdates of all your children.....paragraph style across your entire back.  Hope you don't have any more or someone's name is gonna end on your butt.

.....you have a girl's name tattooed from shoulder blade to shoulder blade....hope you stay together or limit yourself to dating girls of the same name.

.....OR you are said girl and you have the boy's name in a large heart on your shoulder....see above and best of luck Tracy and Kyle....

.....you have a name and birth/death date on your back tombstone style.

.....you have a quote that is so long that I will have to ask permission to stand and stare at your pec long enough to read the whole thing.

I really enjoy people watching and I thank these people and their choices that have made it possible for me to have several good laughs.  If you thought these were interesting....just wait for part 2....swimsuit fails....

How I almost peed my pants in Walmart.

Walmart is the butt of many jokes.  The stuff there is cheap.  A lot of times the stores are trashed or dirty (although our new superwalmart seems to always be mostly neat and clean).  And the people of Walmart....well you know their website.

So yesterday I cleaned for an hour, moved boxes to storage for six, cleaned for another hour, then had to go grocery shopping.  I was lamenting the need to go to the store.  I was tired.  I hadn't showered.  And most of all I was in my sweat pants and a hoodie so I looked like heck (cuz I don't own a nice sweat suit).
I had an epiphany....I didn't need to go to the grocery store I usually go to...where I run into people I know all the time....I would go to SuperWalmart.

Every time I say SuperWalmart I think the store should be wearing a cape somewhere.  The cape would have a giant T on it for tacky.  So I haul my tired butt in the truck and drive with my big ole list to wally-world.  In addition to buying groceries I needed to get things to stage my house....a few more lamps, replacement bulbs, stuff to decorate a classy tree not the fun kid centered tree I usually do, air freshener en masse (I live with boys....they spread funkiness).  As I am looking for a parking spot I am almost hit TWICE by people on their cell phones....a man driving across the lanes in a big hurry to get who-knows-where and a woman who passed me later still looking for a spot.  I am feeling pretty confident as I walk in. I had seen about twenty people worse dressed than me as I was parking....including a pair in matching neon green pants.  Meander into the store, turn to grab a cart, and run into a girl from school and her mom who worked with my husband.  So much for going incognito.  Sweatpants, greasy hair in pony tail, no make up, big ole zit greeting people on its on....hellooo people I know.  Rats!

SO, midway through trying to choose some not tacky Christmas tree decor my phone rings.  I am meandering the aisles chatting with my bestie.  I am doing the time honored drive the cart with one hand and one elbow alternating with the two hands while precariously balancing the phone on my ear method.  Chat chat chat SCREAM "OH MY GOD!  Ohmygodohmygodohmygod"  My bff says "what happened"  I am still recovering from the shock of the small grey mouse that just ran right in front of my cart, leapt across the aisle and disappeared under the display on the other side.  My heart is racing and I am short of breath as I explain.  She laughs and says "that's unusual...they usually don't come out in the day time".  Great....so daylight savings screwed up the mouse clocks too....  I put her on hold and tell the sales associate at the end of the aisle, who already is laughing at me.  He tells me its his pet.  I consider leaving my cart of crap and going to the bathroom, but am afraid of getting mice in my pants....so I trooper though it and scurry home to pee in the safety of my own home....where my hubby also found it quite funny....

A girl can't get any sympathy....maybe I'll start a FB support group for Mice attacks at Walmart.
Merry Christ-mouse :)